“When I realized my pain came from wanting to be liked, I began to love myself. When I realised my pain came from wanting to be acknowledged, I started to see who I really was…”

This poem by Tanya Markul is a beautiful expression of the work we do in IFS and IFS coaching. We learn to self-lead, to self-regulate, and what it means to truly self-love.

Big love for you and all parts of you.

 

Your favorite life coach,

Allison

(pink flower or pink heart on any of my posts represents – be soft with the hard).

The post Tanya Markul Poem That Says So Much appeared first on Allison Crow.

We spend time in connection and curiosity on the front porch – so to speak. Before we try to “go inside”.

 

We spend time together to create attunement, and attunement opens op connection and connection creates access to our natural #selfenergy. It’s a beautiful thing to sit on the front porch and facilitate these relationships in my clients’ inner systems. And it makes going even deeper inside almost natural.

 

Not all #ifscoaching is exactly like this- this is just what I see in my personal style as a coach and in my specific niche of clients.

 

You, at anytime, can sit on your own inner front porch and give your inner parts more love and connection, not less.

Allison.

The post On the Front Porch with Protective Parts appeared first on Allison Crow.

Most of my “Inner System” and parts use verbal language to communicate and are easy to see and know. This part grunts from time to time (a bit like Roy Kent) with disapproval.
Her grunts translated into words are:

😡You are doing it wrong.
😡If you don’t get it done, you’ll be left.
😡You should do more.

😡If you slow down, you will evaporate into the void of nothing, NOTHING. ]
😡 You need to manage this shit because no one else can.

She was brought into my system by being exposed to high-demand religion and systemic patriarchy communities from 1st grade – 25 years old.

I feel the weight of her hard-on-me-ness in the muscles around my scapula. Sometimes I feel her in my clenched jaw.
For the first time, I turn directly to her and say, “Hello, Hard-On-Me, I see you. I am here for you, ” Keeping my distance but communicating my presence with my belly and heart.

She’s not falling for it, and that’s ok. She sees me as 15 years old. And that’s ok too.

She is one of my primary protectors. ALWAYS on. Not like many of my other parts who come and go. She rare

ly sleeps.

I can sense her desire for connection but her fear of dropping her guard. That’s ok, too.

It’s a start.
A connected start.
A connected start plants a seed of softness and presence without asking too much.
Trust must be built first, and trust takes time.
_______
We are all made of multitudes, and because we are human, some of these parts are gripping outdated means and organizing our lives for our protection, which is no longer needed. But we’ve been taught to override these parts, ignore them, and shove them down.

There is another way. It involves new skills. And gentle time on task. And it leads to that inner softness and genuine grounded confidence. Moving through the world less encumbered.
This is the work I do in myself and that I help my 1:1 clients do.
💛

#selfleadership #internalfamilysystems #allpartswelcome

The post Fierce Personal Protector Parts – Internal Family Systems appeared first on Allison Crow.

If I’m too much- go find less.

 

, Allison 

 

The post You Think Too Much appeared first on Allison Crow.

 

From an IFS lens:

all parts have benevolent intent managers are trying to control life so we don’t feel pain

they run daily life and give us the illusion of safety and control.

 

Many of my thinking parts are managers scrambling for certainty in an uncertain world. It’s been said that “all thinking is parts.” We must remember that the goal is not to eliminate parts but lead them with attuned love.

 

The post How To Handle Your Inner Critic appeared first on Allison Crow.

Current Hard:

 

In my current facebook memories – are the promos and images for the course I used to teach called Share Your Heart: Show Your Work – a delightful and helpful course about authentic marketing on social media. The course was reverse-engineered from what delightfully worked for me in the first 7 years of moving my business online after leaving corporate.

 

For most of that time, it was effortless – truly 98% spontaneous overflow of my precious yellow heart .

And that Sharing My Heart and Showing My Work allowed you all to get to know me – and many of you – hundreds – stepped forward to work with me in some way. It never felt like selling.

 

Recently, I have inner parts that are overwhelmed and irritated, and deeply sad about the extreme parts of crappy capitalism. My brain can’t unsee the patterns of greed. I, like many of you, often feel the burnout of crappy capitalism and the burnout of shitty social media. And yet, here I am, a capitalist, selling a high-fee service – a luxury. And my revenue has become reliant on me “Sharing My Heart and Showing My Work.”

 

Of course, instead of letting it rest, I wrestle and inquire with that repulsion; I judge myself and become hard on myself – not mean, but certainly, I put pressure to come to a conclusion.

 

What do I truly desire?

What would feel fun?

What obligations could I release?

What if I didn’t give SO much..what if I let less be more.

What’s possible in business and networking relationships away from social media?

What in the garden of my business is ready to be uprooted and released, what just needs some pruning, and what needs to be planted, anew?

 

The post Struggling with the Social Media Marketing Machine appeared first on Allison Crow.

Just changing our thinking is a gross oversimplification. It leaves millions frustrated and fleeced. 

One (of many) significant determiners of our lives is not just our thinking or our emotions but actually our habitual and subconscious attempts NOT to feel disconnection, shame, rejection, fear, sadness, and other uncomfortable and painful emotions.  

These attempts show up as coping mechanisms that serve as armored protection from these feelings.  

Hi.  My name is Allison, and I’m a recovering, over-armored woman. 

Let me go way back for a moment so we can move forward: It is a natural subconscious desire to connect and repair connection if the body senses a disconnect. We are wired for it. We learn early on to manipulate the maintaining of that connection with our caregivers. As children, when the connection with our caregivers conflicts with authenticity – we innately choose connection every time. We choose the coping mechanism over living in our true selves.  

Here’s the burn for high-achievers:  The coping mechanisms that worked for us are socially acceptable and highly admirable. They are often praised and rewarded by society.

We give and overgive. We perform, we people please, we over-function, and we caretake others, often at the expense of our true selves. If you are neurodivergent (like I am), then we mask along with our armor. It feels good until it begins not to feel good, and then what?

We look up and see all the perceived excellence around us but can feel empty or like something is missing – yet we gaslight ourselves into gratitude.  That is not compassion; that is comparison. 

My clients with longevity in the personal development space do this the most. You’ve been taught to shame your way into appreciation instead of taught how to cultivate it from within.  

Side note: From my “I’m still learning understandings” of ADHD brains – executive function fails in the presence of shame and pain as motivation – we, instead, pursue the feel-good rewards. 

Where does that leave us when these coping skills actually begin to perpetuate our struggle?

This is the place many of my experienced business owner clients are in, at the crossroads of should and self-trust.   

The Crossroads of SHOULD and SELF-TRUST

The shoulds are familiar and known; they are reliable even if they come with a side of suffering.  

The uncomfortable known will always be more appealing to the unknown.  

The road to self-trust requires both learning new skills and unlearning old ways of habitual coping.  It also requires seeing all the systems that taught you ON PURPOSE not to trust – and that can be downright depressing and bring up grief.    

• The Skill of Noticing
• The Skill of Being With and Presence (instead of fixing or solving)
• The Skill of Sensing Cravings (in self and others)
• The Skill of Building Inner Relationships

These are just 4 (certainly not all) of the Self Leadership skills I help my clients develop in their lives and work.  These skills can present as great insights in conversation -yippey yay-yay-woo-hoo; but if it ends there, it’s just entertainment. 

We must build a muscle memory for these skills in the body and behavior, and ultimately in the nervous system if we want lasting change. . . If we want to learn to be in the world from a place of true SELF Trust.   

Cheers to you on your journey of SELF-Trust.  

And #icanhelpwiththat – if you are ready to build your self-trust skills, here are a few ways I can support you.

This is the work I am helping my business owner clients do.  These are the conversations in my book Unarmored: Finding Home in The Wild Edges of Being Human. This is some of the focus of my live event Camp Cultivate in May, and this is the foundation from which we do group life and business coaching in my small membership program, Soulies: Self Leadership Society.  

 Love, Allison 

Listen to the Podcast episode on this here. 

The post The #1 Thing That Keeps People Stuck appeared first on Allison Crow.

Last fall, I had the opportunity to take my CliftonStrengths assessment again.

While I had my previous results, I KNEW things would show up differently because I AM DIFFERENT.

I am different from the young, eager woman striving for success and approval in 2010. I’m more grounded and clear. I’ve done some pretty intense releasing and healing of my oldest traumas and fears, and I had a dang heart attack. I’m DIFFERENT. Even my body is different.

My old results overlap with my new results, but I can see how my old results, especially MY FUTURISTIC & IDEATION, were parts-led; parts of me that were anxious and inexperienced and were parts that wore the masks of society’s expectations & approval. If you have these strengths in your results, please know that this is MY self-assessment – not a reflection on these strengths as a whole.

My old results were my adaptive strengths. My current results are less protective…they are my UNARMORED results. I’ve built internal trust and #emotionalagility through IFS business coaching.

I can see the external changes bringing IFS into my business world has made. I’ve been able to accumulate a list of “results” in my life and in my client’s life and work.

A sweet client on a group call, visibly far from the screen, for comfort possibly, had a slight quiver in her lip as she checked out of our session, “This work is hard,” she said.

“Yes, it is. It’s tender, it can leave bruises, and comes with lots of tears. And you don’t have to do it, ” I said with the most sincere compassion.

It IS hard to lay down our protective devices and to build trust within when the world never wanted us to have it.

I, personally, no longer need it to be easy, 
I just need it to be real. 
💛 Allison

I use #ifs in my business and life coaching – both in my membership and in private coaching. I can help you strengthen your authentic strengths and #selftrust.

#businesscoaching #ifsforbusinessowners #internalfamilysystemscoaching #confidenceatwork #emotionsatwork #nobadparts

The post How Internal Family Systems Coaching Impacted My CliftonStrengths Finder Results appeared first on Allison Crow.

Photos: The ACA Bill of Rights. The photos are of my handwritten version, and you can find the pdf version on the ACA website. The second photo is my visual reminder to be clear on what is mine and what is not.

The problem with BE LOVE for recovering people pleasers.
Asking a recovering people pleaser and recovering over -functioner- to BE LOVE for other people is like asking an alcoholic to drink. An alcoholic uses alcohol to cope, but the people pleaser uses fawning, over-functioning, high achievement, and being pleasing to cope. We do this subconsciously to manipulate our experience of the world…and are rewarded for it in many ways. Many of us have lost out authentic selves in service of BE LOVE.

When a beloved recently shared with me the ACA Bill of Rights – It was all there so clearly – it struck me deeply as rights I would like to internalize and embody. Most of these rights I never gave myself – because people-pleasing worked for me from a very young age. Being the “good girl” worked for me. These were my unconscious coping skills.

These coping skills worked until they didn’t. The unbecoming and unlearning is a process. Becoming the sovereign and boundaried me is a process. I share because many of my clients and many of you are in the unbecoming of old patterns and finding your sovereignty and authentic SELF.

And the TRUEST way for recovering people pleasers to contribute love to the world, is to turn the LOVE inward – to all of our parts. This is a skill we need to develop and practice – insight is not enough.

I call this SELF-CENTERED (the exact thing many of us were told not to be). When I am centered in the love and SELF-leadership of all my parts, then my being contributes love to everyone in my orbit.

I hope this helps.
I know seeing it clearly spelled out helps me.

💛 Allison

The post The Problem with “BE LOVE” for Recovering People Pleasers appeared first on Allison Crow.

I have nurturing practices -that I KNOW bring me to clarity, confidence, and action.
I have internal processes that I KNOW work for my business.

And yet, because I’m human and live in society – I, at times, can get hooked into the “what’s normal” current. I call this FORGETTING.

Wouldn’t it be so fun if we all had the clarity and plan we wanted to have on Jan 1 – according to and along with the “New Year” date?

When I REMEMBER, I stand in the knowing and sovereignty of my own proven practices and processes.

When I REMEMBER, I fully trust my processes and practices and my own internal rhythms (and they RARELY fit with man-made seasons or dates).

This is your reminder that your own process is trustworthy – even if it doesn’t seem to “fit” what the world says.

Peace to you and to me and to us all as we practice what works for us.

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