journal Archives - Allison Crow

UNLEARNING (In my journal)

allisoncrow — Wed, 07 Aug 2024 17:11:36 +0000

Today is one of those days when all the dots connect, and I can see how the past has led me to now. My now is ordinary; there is no monumental milestone or achievement. There is nothing to brag about, nothing you will admire as fabulous.

Unlearning isn’t a popular or particularly pleasing journey. It’s often heavy and certainly not inspirational low-hanging fruit to sell in a coaching program. “I can help you make more money.”

If I were really brave, I would share more of my unlearning with you out loud, but I am still sensitive to what you think about me.

Still.

Most of all, if I weren’t afraid of being so “negative.” There’s some programming and “not truth.”

Do you think nature says, “I shouldn’t be so negative#8221; or even God? Buahahahah. Nope.

We can not escape life’s difficulties even if we do everything we can to escape them. But we can learn to access our own SELFSOUL to be with ourselves and others in the difficulties (and the delights).

Unlearning IS a valid path to SELFSOUL trust. I added SOUL because the SELF-TRUST I am teaching in my work, and living in my life is trust in the INFINITE SOUL within you. The GOD inside of you that you are.

It was always calling, even from way back in 3rd grade, when at HP Elementary, I was compelled to say a prayer in chapel because I was tired of hearing the shame, fire, and brimstone messages about avoiding hell. My little 3rd-grade SOUL knew back then that it was CONNECTION and relationship, not control. And here we are at 52—seeing it all led me to this ordinary moment—where it is more than a theory; it just is.

Alli, you asked for a SOUL-full life for many years, and you’ve been living it all along and are living it here in this moment. You found it by not trying to escape your humanity but by exploring it all the way to the wild edges.

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You’re Doing it Wrong – From the Archives

allisoncrow — Tue, 25 Jun 2024 15:02:20 +0000

Originally written June25, 2022

𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝘁 𝗪𝗥𝗢𝗡𝗚!

Does anyone else have an old trauma-based sensitivity to this phrase?

I have been a puppet to these strings.

And I’m certain I’ve expressed “You are doing it wrong” here and in person more times than I wish.

This is one of my great paradoxes. Both losing who the world told me I should be (and still does) and discovering my o

wn authentic way. Uncentering from them to center to me and my centering is still wrong because it is not enough for yet another them.

At the micro, I’m fucking it all up, to be sure.

At the macro, it is today, this moment of now, and I am a speck of fleshy dust on a rock, floating through infinite space. I am a tiny 5’9 coagulation of matter with thumbs typing on a device with a screen that publishes to the inter and outer of webs.

None of it is ever good enough. In me or out of me. What you do or don’t do and what I do or don’t do.

I’ll never be a good enough white, cis colonized, Un-racist, un-indoctrinated, un-Christianized, lib-t#@^, socialist commie woman, and you’ll never be a good enough whatever you failed at in the world’s eyes you.

None of us are doing it right and we are all doing it better than everyone around us in our eyes.

It’s exhausting.

I see your mess and I see your perfection. I see you doing it wrong and I see you doing it the best you are capable of. I see me doing the same.

I spent most of my 50 years trying to be better. Do right and good and care in the right ways.

And it has NEVER been enough. Not on one side of history or the aisle or the other.

And at the end of the day, here I am with ME. Just me.

My right is only ever good enough for me. It has NEVER lived up to YOUR (whoever you are) expectation. I’m working on letting your right be good enough for you. Do our rights /our correctness EVER meet in the same place Maybe for a moment and then another moment happens and showed us our separateness, and wrongness.

Only the SHOULDS rip us each in two and we both lose. We both end up wrong.

It’s exhausting.

If it isn’t June 25th, if there was no Saturday, no horrible history, and no dreaded future to worry about- there is only right now and right now and right NOW.

No matter what I preach – it is only right now and it only has to be enough for me because it will nev

er be enough for whoever them is. And it won’t ever be right for you.

What a complicated world we live in with always the threat of UN belonging.

This is the hook—it freezes us, fights us, or fawns us due to the threat of disconnection and belonging.

And that is the one thing we all have in common- the innate need to belong.

I’m tired of trying to belong in a way that makes you happy while I lose me. I’m tired of trying to belong in a way that works for you but not me.

I’m allowed to center me. You are allowed to center you. You are the center of your universe and I am the center of mine.

And the cycle goes in and on- we each try to rip another from their center for our own security.

It is exhausting.

And so for today.

I will just be here – with one dog, and this phone, and my words and expression, and the air touching the bottom of my feet and my bra feeling too tight and my throat itchy.

And is just IS.

And so today, here now. Belonging to only my own sweet soul and SELF of me, has to be enough.

I breathe and check in…..

and it is.

Ps. I can smell that Leroy is dying. It’s in his breath. Because that is what life is. It is living and loving and then death.

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On Grief – From The Archives

allisoncrow — Tue, 18 Jun 2024 16:23:04 +0000

This was in my Facebook memories today – and I thought it would be nice here on my own home turf.

From June 18, 2021

Good morning.

Yesterday was heavy. And full of grief. Grief is the one I really want to avoid…. I found myself edging around the deep pit. You know, the painful, sharp black hole of grief- when it hits the center of your heart and swallows it up.

I feel so different from the woman I was when I was younger—not just a child but a young woman…. Quietly, I’ve been asking myself, “When did I change When did I shut off that part of me?”

Last night, as I wept quietly in bed, cuddled up with Rocky Potato and Bill—neither of whom knew I was crying…. I remembered a few moments and people. Those visual and visceral memories…

People who hurt me so profoundly for leaving. One was my ex-husband. He left at 4 pm on a random Wednesday. He said he didn’t want to be married anymore. No reason, no lover…. Just unchoosing me. The ‘almost’ ultimate rejection.

Honestly, it broke me. It broke all of the dreams of a family, children, and lifelong love I’d had for myself as a young woman. The grief I felt that day with my back slumped next to the door he left through…. The physical pain of grief. Ugh. I feel glimpses of it, and I want to sleep forever just to not feel it. Loss triggers it, and it all comes rushing back.

All the losses. The leavers. And the LOVES….losses that never unchose me- they just died. Hank. Lulu. Rafa.

After my ex left- I began clumsily choosing myself. The ultimate rejection is me rejecting me… and I began to find a way to choose me…

That rejection, just like all the others, made way for miracles. But that nuance fucks with me. Yes. I feel better and love the life that I created and the path that has unfolded- completely. And I keep choosing to open when it hurts. To explore the places where I push away intimacy and connection because that fear is so embedded in my system.

I keep opening. And it doesn’t erase the pain of grief.

Both/and again.

Rocky is certainly dying. He’ll tell us when it’s time to let him go—- and for now, the loss hits that deep part, and it just hurts. It hurts because I love him so much. And it hurts because it reminds me that I have soooo much loss ahead of me.

Time ticks forward and loss paves much of the path ahead. Bill and I have discussed how he lost his dad unexpectedly- before we met. Someday, we will hold each other in grief- his mom, my parents, our siblings. The anticipatory grief.

Strangely- at 21, the anticipatory grief of my parents dying someday- put me in my first therapist’s office… and led me to the books that were early seeds of my glorious soul path of doing and providing space for deep inner work with my clients.

ALWAYS – the pain is only so much because the love is even greater. The deep goodness is richer than even the searing, breath-stealing pain.

And so I breathe… and put down the device on which I’m typing. It’s time to walk the dogs I love so much.

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Bug Soup & Updates

Elyse Rich — Mon, 06 Nov 2023 16:49:08 +0000

Hello Hello Humans!

I feel like a little kid getting back on a bicycle,
It’s been a couple of months since I podcasted.

Bug Soup is the time during chrysalis when the caterpillar disintegrates and devolves
and physically, materially turns into an gooey mess before it regenerates into the butterflies that bless us all.

It’s a metaphor for a stage of creation and a stage of life.

Who else is in and has been in Bug Soup?

I have been for quite some time.

It feels like whack a mole and it is just life.

I just want to acknowledge the humanity of seasons of Bug Soup no matter what causes them.

Love,

Allison

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Resources:

Visit: Website: www.allisoncrow.com
Find out more about 1:1 coaching with Allison
Internal Family Systems Coaching and a brief IFS Model Overview
Get your copy of UNARMORED: Finding Home in the Wild Edge of Being Human

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Life is Suffering – And Hummingbirds

allisoncrow — Wed, 19 Jul 2023 15:06:14 +0000

Life is suffering – AND.

Yup – both and again.

You know those plastic shit hummingbird feeders The ones that need to be cleaned every week because they can get moldy and kill the birds The ones that make a big sugary mess in your kitchen and all the way back out to the yard when changing over the water The ones that get brittle in the 100-degree plus temps and ultimately crack?

Here’s what works better.
Scorched wildflowers. Death in the garden.

This spring, the wildflower garden was all a/bloom – epic in her color and textures. And now, the heat has made a mess of tall-reaching-for-water-sticks with dead heads begging to be trimmed into something not so ugly……

And just like life – dead flower heads present an offering. We’re so prone to hate the suffering and the ugly, but the ugly brings seeds.

While you run with that metaphor, I will tell you literally who is thriving in the scorched earth of my dead wildflowers- the hummingbirds.

A few dozen every day, at all times of the day, are finding sustenance in something I regard as done, dead, and an eyesore.

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The Practice of Connection over Control

Elyse Rich — Mon, 10 Jul 2023 13:54:57 +0000

Episode 203 – The Practice of Connection over Control

Another road riff episode!

It’s Sunday morning, 8:23 am as I record this and I’m heading out to my therapeutic horseback riding lessons. After a difficult week, I’ve got some insights and lessons settling into my bones. There might be a few tears!

Y’all know everything has an analogy, right?
It’s not even an analogy, life just repeats itself in so many patterns and I see and experience the patterns and love sharing these connections with you – so that we can all SELF-connect a bit more deeply in our lives. (PS…seeing and making connections is an ADHD thing).

Today’s episode topic is control or connection and the lessons the horses and life are teaching me.

The skills of connection over control and protection are new for many of us and they require compassionate practice.

Time on task gives us the experience of moving from controlling a situation to connecting and moving through it.
It takes us from trying to do something to becoming one with doing something. I hope you enjoy the episode – from my tender heart to yours.

Love,

Allison Crow

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Resources:

Elizabeth Gilbert: Creative Living Beyond Fear

Website and things to see and read
1:1 Coaching
Book you will love: Unarmored: Finding Home in the Wild Edges of Being Human

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In a Romantic Relationship with My Desk Why Yes

allisoncrow — Wed, 28 Jun 2023 14:56:06 +0000

She’s lived in every home I’ve owned and briefly been loaned to each of my husbands as I experimented with other working spaces (does anyone remember my haunted antique lawyer d

esk?). She is back in my space, my studio, my office, and deeply in my heart at this moment.

Fall in love – like real love, be in a relationship with a block of wood and two clunky iron thingys that hold the wood for a desk?

Completely and utterly.

This morning she is strewn with remnants of my pencil case carried to the Elizabeth Gilbert Rob Bell thing in the woods of the Hudson Valley in NY. Three lip glosses claim their parallel space between the pens and paint brushes – all beloved and daily used tools of my creativity.

How do I know I’ve fallen in love with this inanimate – but is she really an inanimate object EVERY time I sit here, my whole body feels an openness and clear-like-fresh-spring-water LOVE. We’ve built this over time. My trust, once given freely from immaturity, now takes time to build, and this desk and I have some serious time on task BECOMING together. Tears well up and let me know I am alive and I feel. Maybe it’s the menopause, but I’m pretty sure it is the love and life and work and creation this desk, and I have shared.

Today she holds my book stacks and a freshly lit “Ancient Tome” candle made by my former client, Michelle.

Yesterday, she held me as I went super deep on 3 different coaching calls that I truly felt helped my clients. New rosemary mint hair oil to soothe my menopausal itchy scalp, 4 different eyeglass cleaners, and all the computers and technologies that

allow me to share my heart, show my work, and connect with you from the calm safety of my own home. How could I not be in love This desk and I have stories to tell.

And so we will.

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To Feel is Human

allisoncrow — Thu, 15 Jun 2023 16:07:13 +0000

Because you are human, you feel. It’s science. It’s biology.

Because you live in society, you’ve been brainwashed and conditioned to make (especially uncomfortable) emotions wrong and definitely not trustworthy.

Antonio R. Damasio, M.D., Ph.D., writes:

“Emotion is an adaptive response, part of the vital process of normal reasoning and decision-making. It is one of the highest levels of bioregulation for the human organism and has an enormous influence on the maintenance of our homeostatic balance and thus of our well-being. Last but not least, emotion is critical to learning and memory.”

What if you could learn new ways of being with strong and difficult emotions?

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Fierce Personal Protector Parts – Internal Family Systems

allisoncrow — Tue, 13 Jun 2023 14:08:58 +0000

Imagine a very quiet secret service protector. She is quiet but consistently over my right shoulder. Her presence is thick and always there. But she isn’t on guard for outside threats; she is monitoring my behavior, my productivity, my processes, and my very existence.

Most of my “Inner System” and parts use verbal language to communicate and are easy to see and know. This part grunts from time to time (a bit like Roy Kent) with disapproval.
Her grunts translated into words are:

😡You are doing it wrong.
😡If you don’t get it done, you’ll be left.
😡You should do more.

😡If you slow down, you will evaporate into the void of nothing, NOTHING. ]
😡 You need to manage this shit because no one else can.

She was brought into my system by being exposed to high-demand religion and systemic patriarchy communities from 1st grade – 25 years old.

I feel the weight of her hard-on-me-ness in the muscles around my scapula. Sometimes I feel her in my clenched jaw.
For the first time, I turn directly to her and say, “Hello, Hard-On-Me, I see you. I am here for you, ” Keeping my distance but communicating my presence with my belly and heart.

She’s not falling for it, and that’s ok. She sees me as 15 years old. And that’s ok too.

She is one of my primary protectors. ALWAYS on. Not like many of my other parts who come and go. She rare

ly sleeps.

I can sense her desire for connection but her fear of dropping her guard. That’s ok, too.

It’s a start.
A connected start.
A connected start plants a seed of softness and presence without asking too much.
Trust must be built first, and trust takes time.
_______
We are all made of multitudes, and because we are human, some of these parts are gripping outdated means and organizing our lives for our protection, which is no longer needed. But we’ve been taught to override these parts, ignore them, and shove them down.

There is another way. It involves new skills. And gentle time on task. And it leads to that inner softness and genuine grounded confidence. Moving through the world less encumbered.
This is the work I do in myself and that I help my 1:1 clients do.
💛

#selfleadership #internalfamilysystems #allpartswelcome

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You Forget. It’s Not Your Fault & Here is What to do About it.

allisoncrow — Wed, 07 Jun 2023 14:53:02 +0000

Because you are human, because you live in a society whose systems are set up to make you forget – remembering can be your most vital practice.

Seriously, you aren’t broken; you’ve done nothing wrong – our systems literally are built on you out-sourcing your self-trust and remembering. When you forget, you give away power and buy stuff you don’t need without thinking. (I love buying stuff I don’t need – with clear intention).

Because you are engaged in life and work and smart as fuck, your mind and mental managers like to move fast through your ideas. Sometimes they get congested and confused. That’s normal.

If you knew that you would regularly – as in super often – FORGET who you BE What ritual could you set up so that you REMEMBER who you are?

. . .Because from that place, everything works with more lube. Flow has space to flow from the remembering.

And remembering doesn’t just happen. That’s why you suffer. We have to cultivate it.

You are not alone, dear human. Even though happy, and excited, and clear, I could feel a sense of forgetting when I sat down at the desk today – and my pre-planned ritual of journaling and writing with a SELF-ENERGY focus – brought me back to remembering. I won’t share the top half of that page quite yet (maybe someday -as you know, I’m pretty unfiltered)…but where I ended up, because of the daily practice, was in the remembering, and now I am able, from my heart to be here for you, and to gently take the next steps of my day.

Love, Your Favorite Life Coach.

Allison

I hope you remember.

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