Behind the Curtain Archives - Allison Crow

Midlife Wandering – Where Am I Going

allisoncrow — Thu, 29 Aug 2024 14:53:04 +0000

Almost two years ago, my book on learning to live with an unarmored heart was published. 2 years ago yesterday, I had an NSTMI heart attack and spent three days in the hospital while the doctors tried to figure out what was going on. Talk about unarmored; life demanded it.

Last night, I told Bill, “I don’t think I’ve been the same since; I just know I’m not who I was before 2022, and I haven’t figured out who I am becoming.”

In midlife, we don’t all need a significant health scare to help us realize we aren’t the same person anymore. My college human development textbooks had literally only a single paragraph on midlife development, mentioning the stereotypical midlife crisis.

Midlife doesn’t have to be a crisis, and for many of us, it is a season of challenging and confronting transitions that activate what we’ve stuffed to the side for many years.

—-

Usually, my writing flows, and just like in midlife – my ‘flow” here has stopped and started and choked. Each of us has a list of our own personal events – that contribute to the clusterfuck that midlife can be.

Where am I going This is another question that speaks to the layers of my life. I don’t have anything I’m “going after.” Sure, I can make up obligatory goals, but I don’t roll that way. My heart has to be infused with it. For now, I do not have much vision, drive, or direction, but there are also days when I am fully annoyed with the wandering.

My “capitalism brain” shames and shoulds me into creating a big vision and coming up with the next “thing” to sell for 20k months. My mortgage and skin care products also want to make sure I’m still earning money. It’s a little financially scary to divest so much of my identity from business me – it has been easier to make money when, deep inside, I was afraid and had something to prove. It was much easier to drive and market and strive and DO when my coping mechanisms ran the show.

When there is no intrinsic big vision – my nudges have encouraged me to find goodness in the specific. Yesterday, (which was a mentally wonky day) was brightened by capturing this bumble bee in my salvia blooms, and the glorious Sports Illustrated images of USA rugby player Ilona Maher in her red triangle-top bikini. My unarmored midlife joy is in the moments like these.

I have no doubt that My Internal Drive will show up in her right time. I am a gardener, not a machine. (Yesterday, I didn’t believe this -today, I do). It is only my job to be present with what is and to be compassionate with all parts of me in this midlife weirdness.

1:1 work with clients has confirmed this. The deliciousness of going slow and deep and spacious with clients – many of whom are experiencing their own versions of releasing the white-knuckle grip on how things used to be, or what their capitalism brains incessantly demand. Together, we are learning to deeply self-trust and regenerate from the inside truth of who we are vs who the world told us we should be.

If you want a skilled, caring, and compassionate hand to hold as you navigate this season of your life and work, I have space open on my roster in September. Message me or start at www coachwithallison dot com.

Finally, yes, I am a bit lonely and miss being in community. I’ll admit that out loud. In the past, I always created the community I wanted – I’m not sure I’m ready to do that, yet, but I am considering it in my heart and body.

As always, my heart is to share so you don’t feel so alone. And, to show you my bumble bee in the salvia flowers, and in doing so I remember that I am enough in this moment. So are you.

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Attractor vs Enroller: A Distinction for Us Both

allisoncrow — Sun, 25 Aug 2024 17:04:42 +0000

A distinction for your consideration: Attractor vs. Enroller

Yesterday was a bingo ball day where all my ideas just bounced around in the bingo ball hopper – none fully

dropped into the final chute. I looked through some recent journals to slow down and connect with my own wisdom.

I came across a note to myself that reminded me, in my coaching practice, I am an

ATTRACTOR

not an

ENROLLER

It was just the SELF-TRUST reminder I needed.

ENROLLER is the formula for what many of us are taught to do in sales—to get people to go through a sales funnel that leads to a sales consultation, where the goal is to “convert” the prospect to a client. Then, handle and overcome objections and close the sale.

This can be effective for many salespeople, but it is also what feels disingenuous and smarmy to others.

ATTRACTOR is a way of being and marketing that feels more natural to me and encourages responsibility and self-trust in potential clients. Yes, I have expert skills, AND the client’s concerns and objections are considered and valid. A right fit is more important than “closing the sale.”

It is often unclear what I do or offer professionally, and I’m sure I leave money on the table. I know this is not the best sales practice (I taught sales for YEARS).

I am quirky and strange, and when potential clients call, if they are with someone who doesn’t know me, isn’t familiar with me, or hasn’t seen or heard me speak or teach, it is always AWKWARD. Even referrals from beloved clients can be strange – not because of the other person but because of me. I’m weird. And I’m incredibly nervous, and my “sense of being perceived” rises when I’m around new people.

Last year, I had a series of “cold discovery calls” that I think came through tiktok, which was so awkward. I was awkward.

Coaching is not a mechanical process for me—it’s a relational process, and I’m weird at the beginning of relationships, even if I don’t want to be. Hello AUDHD.

I can now see it’s a bottom-up process, and I desire that both ways. I’m probably not your best fit if you are a top-down linear thinker.

Most, not all, of the people I work well with have known and “followed” me for years. Sometimes ten or more years – The quiet watchers routinely come out when THEY are ready and say, “I want to work with you.” They are the ones that end up in transformative years or more long engagements – doing deep inner and outer work. By the time they go to my coaching page and request a connection and discovery session – they know they want to work with me in the direction of their dreams and well-being.

I know I’m not super direct, and, when you are ready, I’m here, and we can talk and create a custom program for you.

I shared this because this week, I was able to help a client see that they are more of a Gardner in their business, too, not a machine. What I call “capitalism brain” is a subconscious influence that always pushing the machine. But there IS a place for those of us who are gardeners to cultivate in our lives and work.

Maybe you need to be reminded that you are a gardener, and you can do what you do. You can keep sharing your heart, showing your work, and making warm invitations, and the right clients will bloom at the right time.

Enroller or attractor – one is not better than the other, but one is more authentic to me and more congruent with my system and my way of being and creating in the world.

Remember who YOU are, and go do your thing!

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UNLEARNING (In my journal)

allisoncrow — Wed, 07 Aug 2024 17:11:36 +0000

Today is one of those days when all the dots connect, and I can see how the past has led me to now. My now is ordinary; there is no monumental milestone or achievement. There is nothing to brag about, nothing you will admire as fabulous.

Unlearning isn’t a popular or particularly pleasing journey. It’s often heavy and certainly not inspirational low-hanging fruit to sell in a coaching program. “I can help you make more money.”

If I were really brave, I would share more of my unlearning with you out loud, but I am still sensitive to what you think about me.

Still.

Most of all, if I weren’t afraid of being so “negative.” There’s some programming and “not truth.”

Do you think nature says, “I shouldn’t be so negative#8221; or even God? Buahahahah. Nope.

We can not escape life’s difficulties even if we do everything we can to escape them. But we can learn to access our own SELFSOUL to be with ourselves and others in the difficulties (and the delights).

Unlearning IS a valid path to SELFSOUL trust. I added SOUL because the SELF-TRUST I am teaching in my work, and living in my life is trust in the INFINITE SOUL within you. The GOD inside of you that you are.

It was always calling, even from way back in 3rd grade, when at HP Elementary, I was compelled to say a prayer in chapel because I was tired of hearing the shame, fire, and brimstone messages about avoiding hell. My little 3rd-grade SOUL knew back then that it was CONNECTION and relationship, not control. And here we are at 52—seeing it all led me to this ordinary moment—where it is more than a theory; it just is.

Alli, you asked for a SOUL-full life for many years, and you’ve been living it all along and are living it here in this moment. You found it by not trying to escape your humanity but by exploring it all the way to the wild edges.

The post UNLEARNING (In my journal) appeared first on Allison Crow.

You’re Doing it Wrong – From the Archives

allisoncrow — Tue, 25 Jun 2024 15:02:20 +0000

Originally written June25, 2022

𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝘁 𝗪𝗥𝗢𝗡𝗚!

Does anyone else have an old trauma-based sensitivity to this phrase?

I have been a puppet to these strings.

And I’m certain I’ve expressed “You are doing it wrong” here and in person more times than I wish.

This is one of my great paradoxes. Both losing who the world told me I should be (and still does) and discovering my o

wn authentic way. Uncentering from them to center to me and my centering is still wrong because it is not enough for yet another them.

At the micro, I’m fucking it all up, to be sure.

At the macro, it is today, this moment of now, and I am a speck of fleshy dust on a rock, floating through infinite space. I am a tiny 5’9 coagulation of matter with thumbs typing on a device with a screen that publishes to the inter and outer of webs.

None of it is ever good enough. In me or out of me. What you do or don’t do and what I do or don’t do.

I’ll never be a good enough white, cis colonized, Un-racist, un-indoctrinated, un-Christianized, lib-t#@^, socialist commie woman, and you’ll never be a good enough whatever you failed at in the world’s eyes you.

None of us are doing it right and we are all doing it better than everyone around us in our eyes.

It’s exhausting.

I see your mess and I see your perfection. I see you doing it wrong and I see you doing it the best you are capable of. I see me doing the same.

I spent most of my 50 years trying to be better. Do right and good and care in the right ways.

And it has NEVER been enough. Not on one side of history or the aisle or the other.

And at the end of the day, here I am with ME. Just me.

My right is only ever good enough for me. It has NEVER lived up to YOUR (whoever you are) expectation. I’m working on letting your right be good enough for you. Do our rights /our correctness EVER meet in the same place Maybe for a moment and then another moment happens and showed us our separateness, and wrongness.

Only the SHOULDS rip us each in two and we both lose. We both end up wrong.

It’s exhausting.

If it isn’t June 25th, if there was no Saturday, no horrible history, and no dreaded future to worry about- there is only right now and right now and right NOW.

No matter what I preach – it is only right now and it only has to be enough for me because it will nev

er be enough for whoever them is. And it won’t ever be right for you.

What a complicated world we live in with always the threat of UN belonging.

This is the hook—it freezes us, fights us, or fawns us due to the threat of disconnection and belonging.

And that is the one thing we all have in common- the innate need to belong.

I’m tired of trying to belong in a way that makes you happy while I lose me. I’m tired of trying to belong in a way that works for you but not me.

I’m allowed to center me. You are allowed to center you. You are the center of your universe and I am the center of mine.

And the cycle goes in and on- we each try to rip another from their center for our own security.

It is exhausting.

And so for today.

I will just be here – with one dog, and this phone, and my words and expression, and the air touching the bottom of my feet and my bra feeling too tight and my throat itchy.

And is just IS.

And so today, here now. Belonging to only my own sweet soul and SELF of me, has to be enough.

I breathe and check in…..

and it is.

Ps. I can smell that Leroy is dying. It’s in his breath. Because that is what life is. It is living and loving and then death.

The post You’re Doing it Wrong – From the Archives appeared first on Allison Crow.

On Grief – From The Archives

allisoncrow — Tue, 18 Jun 2024 16:23:04 +0000

This was in my Facebook memories today – and I thought it would be nice here on my own home turf.

From June 18, 2021

Good morning.

Yesterday was heavy. And full of grief. Grief is the one I really want to avoid…. I found myself edging around the deep pit. You know, the painful, sharp black hole of grief- when it hits the center of your heart and swallows it up.

I feel so different from the woman I was when I was younger—not just a child but a young woman…. Quietly, I’ve been asking myself, “When did I change When did I shut off that part of me?”

Last night, as I wept quietly in bed, cuddled up with Rocky Potato and Bill—neither of whom knew I was crying…. I remembered a few moments and people. Those visual and visceral memories…

People who hurt me so profoundly for leaving. One was my ex-husband. He left at 4 pm on a random Wednesday. He said he didn’t want to be married anymore. No reason, no lover…. Just unchoosing me. The ‘almost’ ultimate rejection.

Honestly, it broke me. It broke all of the dreams of a family, children, and lifelong love I’d had for myself as a young woman. The grief I felt that day with my back slumped next to the door he left through…. The physical pain of grief. Ugh. I feel glimpses of it, and I want to sleep forever just to not feel it. Loss triggers it, and it all comes rushing back.

All the losses. The leavers. And the LOVES….losses that never unchose me- they just died. Hank. Lulu. Rafa.

After my ex left- I began clumsily choosing myself. The ultimate rejection is me rejecting me… and I began to find a way to choose me…

That rejection, just like all the others, made way for miracles. But that nuance fucks with me. Yes. I feel better and love the life that I created and the path that has unfolded- completely. And I keep choosing to open when it hurts. To explore the places where I push away intimacy and connection because that fear is so embedded in my system.

I keep opening. And it doesn’t erase the pain of grief.

Both/and again.

Rocky is certainly dying. He’ll tell us when it’s time to let him go—- and for now, the loss hits that deep part, and it just hurts. It hurts because I love him so much. And it hurts because it reminds me that I have soooo much loss ahead of me.

Time ticks forward and loss paves much of the path ahead. Bill and I have discussed how he lost his dad unexpectedly- before we met. Someday, we will hold each other in grief- his mom, my parents, our siblings. The anticipatory grief.

Strangely- at 21, the anticipatory grief of my parents dying someday- put me in my first therapist’s office… and led me to the books that were early seeds of my glorious soul path of doing and providing space for deep inner work with my clients.

ALWAYS – the pain is only so much because the love is even greater. The deep goodness is richer than even the searing, breath-stealing pain.

And so I breathe… and put down the device on which I’m typing. It’s time to walk the dogs I love so much.

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EASE From The Inside Out

Elyse Rich — Thu, 22 Feb 2024 15:15:07 +0000

It’s Road Riff time – Ease from the Inside Out.

I’ve had some really interesting, unusual resistance around content creation
and I didn’t have an “episode,” but I did have a drive into town

Stream of Consciousness with a Purpose and More at Ease

I want to be more at ease this year from the inside
It’s one of the core goals of how and who I want to be

This riff is inspired by Gabor Mate, Authenticity & Internal Family Systems

Love,

Allison

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Resources:

Visit: Website: www.allisoncrow.com
Find out more about 1:1 coaching with Allison
Internal Family Systems coaching and a brief IFS Model Overview
Get your copy of UNARMORED: Finding Home in the Wild Edge of Being Human

The post EASE From The Inside Out appeared first on Allison Crow.

Bug Soup & Updates

Elyse Rich — Mon, 06 Nov 2023 16:49:08 +0000

Hello Hello Humans!

I feel like a little kid getting back on a bicycle,
It’s been a couple of months since I podcasted.

Bug Soup is the time during chrysalis when the caterpillar disintegrates and devolves
and physically, materially turns into an gooey mess before it regenerates into the butterflies that bless us all.

It’s a metaphor for a stage of creation and a stage of life.

Who else is in and has been in Bug Soup?

I have been for quite some time.

It feels like whack a mole and it is just life.

I just want to acknowledge the humanity of seasons of Bug Soup no matter what causes them.

Love,

Allison

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Resources:

Visit: Website: www.allisoncrow.com
Find out more about 1:1 coaching with Allison
Internal Family Systems Coaching and a brief IFS Model Overview
Get your copy of UNARMORED: Finding Home in the Wild Edge of Being Human

The post Bug Soup & Updates appeared first on Allison Crow.

An ADHD Update

Elyse Rich — Sun, 27 Aug 2023 14:59:35 +0000

Hello Human Podcast Listeners!

Today I want to share a little behind the scenes ADHD update.

This is kind of personal.

It’s a behind the scenes episodes of being a small business owner,
being a coaching practice owner who is also navigating the Wild Edges of Being Human.

Many of you know the diagnosis of my ADHD over 18 months ago
and the acclimation to that both education, identity, meds, the support I need has been way different journey then I would have ever imagined.

The diagnosis label is one thing and the aftermath is interesting.

This morning I woke up feeling more ME then I have in a long time.

Love,

Allison

Other ADHD Episodes and Posts:

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Resources:

Visit: Website: www.allisoncrow.com
Find out more about 1:1 coaching with Allison
Internal Family Systems Coaching and a brief IFS Model Overview
Get your copy of UNARMORED: Finding Home in the Wild Edge of Being Human

The post An ADHD Update appeared first on Allison Crow.

4 Elements that Make Up Our Inner Systems In the Internal Family Systems Framework

allisoncrow — Sat, 05 Aug 2023 16:24:47 +0000

𝟰 𝗘𝗹𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗠𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗨𝗽 𝗢𝘂𝗿 𝗜𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗿 𝗦𝘆𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗜𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗙𝗮𝗺𝗶𝗹𝘆 𝗦𝘆𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗙𝗿𝗮𝗺𝗲𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸

💛 𝗔 𝗰𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗹 𝗰𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗦𝗘𝗟𝗙
😢 𝗘𝘅𝗶𝗹𝗲𝘀
🗣️ 𝗣𝗿𝗼𝘁𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗼𝗿 𝗠𝗮𝗻𝗮𝗴𝗲𝗿𝘀:
🧑‍🚒 𝗣𝗿𝗼𝘁𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗼𝗿 𝗙𝗶𝗿𝗲𝗳𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁𝗲𝗿𝘀

Today I’ll introduce the Core SELF.

💛 𝗔 𝗰𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗹 𝗰𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗦𝗘𝗟𝗙– SELF is the natural leader of your system, and psyche, your natural essence, is undamaged, needs no improvement, and is perfect as is. The SELF is the support and care you have always needed. It is the CORE YOU.

𝗦𝗘𝗟𝗙 𝗶𝘀 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗺, 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗲𝗱, 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗲, 𝗰𝘂𝗿𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀, 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗳𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗻𝘁, 𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲, 𝗰𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗿, 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗿𝗮𝗴𝗲𝗼𝘂𝘀, 𝗮𝘁𝘁𝘂𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗮𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻, 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗲𝗻𝘁, 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘆𝗳𝘂𝗹; 𝗦𝗘𝗟𝗙 𝗵𝗮𝘀 𝗮𝗻 𝗮𝘁𝘁𝘂𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗺 𝗮𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗳𝗲𝗹𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝗶𝘁𝘀 𝗽𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻.

For years, even before IFS, I’ve drawn the Yellow Heart and used it as my logo because it reminds me to REMEMBER who I BE from an energetic and loving presence with myself.

I use the yellow/gold heart to help me remember that my essence is love and my true nature. The yellow heart also reminded me that my head and thinking parts, while brilliant, are not my core source being, that is in my heart. I can connect my head (or any of my parts) with my SELF-ENERGY by breathing into my heart.

When I came across IFS – and CORE SELF was represented – I KNEW that my yellow heart would expand to symbolize SELF Energy.

I often use this metaphor with my business owner clients – and if it resonates, I lead them in a meditation to see what “color” their SELF-heart is. Some are blue, one is red and gold, one is rainbow, and another is “fruity pebbles.” The clients KNOW what language and imagery help them identify & connect with this SELF-Energy.

If your SELF-Energy were color and energy – what color would your heart be 💛💚💙💜🤎🤍🧡❤️💞❤️‍🔥💖💟

Visit: Website: www.allisoncrow.com
Find out more about 1:1 coaching with Allison
Internal Family Systems Coaching and a brief IFS Model Overview
Get your copy of UNARMORED: Finding Home in the Wild Edge of Being Human

The post 4 Elements that Make Up Our Inner Systems In the Internal Family Systems Framework appeared first on Allison Crow.

It’s not about the Money or is it A math message for heart-centered business owners.

Elyse Rich — Sun, 25 Jun 2023 17:47:00 +0000

Over the last 18 years, specifically coaching, I have worked with so many business owners.

Thousands and thousands of business owners everywhere from brand new business owners learning how to do things to business owners in achievement phase.

These days I tend to work with extremely experienced high revenue business owners.
I also work with caring people.

I work with people who are heart-centered, who have passion, & who care.

Most of my clients might say, or at some point say, it’s not about the money.
Listen at one point I said it’s not about the money and I’ll never forget my close friend that said, “Oh yes it is.”

Let me tell you why.

Love,

Allison

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